I don’t usually blog for a couple of reasons:
- That’s Clayton’s thing and I don’t want to take away from him. I think he’s great at it, and most days I would rather just sit back and support him than put myself in the limelight.
- I write so much for work, that when I get home, writing another blog or Facebook post is usually the last thing I want to do. I would rather just sit back and consume.
But, today I just felt the need to share.
This morning we got another email from Holt International, the organization we are adopting with. Our adoption deadline has been pushed back, yet again, and could take up to 30 months for us to be matched and united with our child.
30 long months. When we started this process it was only supposed to take 18. They’ve almost doubled the time we were supposed to wait and let me tell you, it’s disheartening and depressing.
So, if you think “Why haven’t we heard from Caitlin and Clayton about their adoption? Maybe they don’t care? Maybe they are flighty after all?”
Trust me, it’s not that. I wish I had all the good news in the world to give you. I wish I could tell you about our future child. But I can’t. All I can do is wait. And guess what, waiting is really hard.
I would be lying if I said all I ever wanted to do was to be a mom, that’s just not true. But it has been a desire of mine ever since I was a little girl.
And when I was younger I thought I would be a mom for sure by the time I was…
24 – what? What was I thinking? Well, 24 came and went and trust me, half the time I barely felt like an adult, let alone ready to be a mom.
But that’s okay, cause my mom didn’t have me until she was…
25 – so that makes 25 a great age to become a mom right? Sure, but at 25 I was focused on my career and I still had this nagging desire to do two very “un-mom” related things: move to a different state (or even a different country) and work for a non-profit.
So 25 came and went, and I accomplished some goals. We moved to Illinois and I started working for a non-profit, but I didn’t become a mom.
But that’s okay, cause Clayton’s mom didn’t have him until she was…
26 – so that makes 25 a great age to become a mom right? Yes, yes it does. And this time I actually did something towards that goal. At age 26 Clayton and I decided on an adoption agency. We applied, we were accepted, we started and completed our dossier. Let me tell you, 26 was the most motherly year I’ve had yet.
But that’s okay, right? Cause…
27 – is also a good year to become a mother. But 27 is almost gone. And all I’ve done is wait.
And next, comes…
28 – and you know what? 28 might be another full year of waiting.
This was never my plan. I never thought I would see all those numbers go by. But there are a few things that I’ve learned from this. One, I am not my mother, and I am not Clayton’s mother. I am not my friends or even the person I thought I would be when I was a child. And that’s okay.
If you know me, then you know what I want most in life is for the people around me to be happy. And honestly, that’s the reason this has been the biggest struggle. Every year I add another number to my age and I don’t become a mother. I feel like I am letting all of you down. I feel like I’m not living into the plan that we somehow agreed upon without knowing it. And more than anything in the world – I hate letting you down.
But I’m trying to be okay with disappointing the people in my life because if there is one thing I know with absolute certainty, it’s that God has lead me down this path. This is where I am supposed to be.
But, to be honest, sometimes that’s really hard for me. I have these two opposing things inside of me. I know without a doubt that God has called Clayton and me to adoption. I can feel it when I think about our family, I know because of the ways God has spoken in my life and the passions God put in my heart, but that doesn’t take away my desire to please those around me. And it doesn’t take away the disappointment I have in myself that I am not where I thought I would be.
This is hard for me. But deep down in my soul, I know that I am called to wait. And I am called to listen. And I am called to disappoint – both myself and others for the better plan God has for me.
I am sorry. I’m sorry for being absent. I’m sorry for not always sharing my story. And I’m sorry for when I haven’t been patient, either with you and your story or with me and mine.
But I don’t want to be sorry for who God is calling me to be, and where my path is taking me. I want to lean into this story even when it hurts, and I’m learning that sometimes disappointment can lead me to life.